Skim Milk

I posted this on myspace forever ago, but enough people commented on it that I thought I might share it here. Italics are my own thoughts.

Situation:
I'm standing in line at the store. In my hands are a bottle of water and a half-gallon of Oakhurst skim milk. In front of me is a woman holding a newborn baby. Beside her is a guy with a half gallon of Oakhurst skim milk just like mine. Beside me is some dude holding two 16 oz cans of Budweiser.

(Memory flash-back I saw this dude a couple of minutes before, when I was on my way to select my nutritious dairy beverage. He was perusing the beer, and I had to do one of those "scuse me,"-turn your-body-sideways-and-slide-it-past-him-cuz-theres-no-way-hes-moving.)

These are the only details my brain has taken in about my surroundings, but it is enough.

So I'm standing there, minding my own business, waiting to pay for my shit, when I hear a slightly mumbled voice. It says (mumbly-like): Skim milk.

Now, normally, I wouldn't think twice if my ears caught a mumbly voice say skim milk in a small crowd of people. My ears catch lots of stuff ... you remember that. But the fact was that I just happened to be holding a half-gallon of skim milk when this particular mumbly voice said skim milk.

I'm not the type that likes to have random conversations with random people in random places (this situation being a prime example of why), and Im certainly not the type that would initiate such a conversation. So naturally my brain dodged the possibility that the mumbly voice was in fact speaking to me, and I thought well, the guy in front of you has some skim milk, maybe the mumbly voice is talking to him.

Astonishingly, a mere microsecond after this thought crossed my mind, the mumbly voice had suddenly increased in decibel by at least forty fold and somehow managed to migrate ten feet or so to the left, putting it roughly ten inches from my right fucking ear drum.

IS THAT SKIM MILK?
Holy shit, I'm about to have a random conversation with a random person in a random place. O.K., here we go.

This guy seemed like a normal person to me. And he spoke in a normal, conversational tone. But the shit that was about to come out of his mouth was anything but normal. So here is the conversation, in its entirety, with stuff in italics being what was going on inside my head while the conversation was taking place.

Crazy Guy:
Is that skim milk?

Me:
Holy shit, I'm about to have a random conversation with a random person in a random place. O.K., here we go.

Yes.

Crazy Guy:
Do you like skim milk?

Me:
Yeah, I like it, I cant dr--

CG:
I used to like skim milk.

Did he just cut me off?

But I had a bad experience.

You don't have any friends, do you?

(In a slightly lower voice) I drank some curdled once.

Me:
Yeah, actually I drank some cur--

CG:
I used to work in a kitchen,

Fucker just cut me off again.

and it would get really hot (fanning himself), you know?

Are you hitting on me?

So once I went out back and grabbed some milk and I chugged it (makes chugging motion with hand), and it was rotten, you know, like chunks.

Me:
You are a very lonely person, arent you.

Yeah, I actually drank some bad milk once (pause)

God I cant believe I am going to say this, but it is the truth.

Actually, it was skim milk (fake smile).

CG:
Yeah, it had chunks, you know, and I felt em in my mouth, and when they went down my throat

You drink sour skim milk for fun on a regular basis, don't you?

Me:
Well, I didnt swallow it, I spit it out before --

CG:
Oh, I swallowed it!

You fucking cut me off one more time and I'm going to stab you in the fucking eye with my house key.

Cuz I was chuggin (makes chuggin gesture), like I said, cuz that's what we used to do, we used to go out back and, you know, chug-a-lug the milk (makes chugging gesture again).

Did he just fucking say that??? Yeah, buddy, that's what I do when I get bored at work, too, I go out back and chug-a-lug the milk. Either that, or I go downstairs and jab myself in the temple with a rusty screwdriver. Oh, and if you say "Chuggin" or "chug-a-lug" one more goddamn time, you're gettin the house key special.

Ever since then I cant drink skim milk. Its a mental thing, ya know? (Points at his head)

Me:
Yeah, I bet it is (trying to smile).
But you like skim milk, huh?

CG:
Yeah, I cant drink the other stuff, its too heavy in my stomach.

Please, God, let this end now.

CG:
It's good cold.

End conversation.

I nod in approval of the fact that milk is good cold. The dude pays for his beer and some scratch tickets, and leaves without saying goodbye. I am relieved.

I think I'm switching back to low-fat milk.